Living in a machine model makes us act like machines. Our hearts become disconnected and cold. Treated with disrespect, we lose our sense of dignity for ourselves and others. Disconnected from our spirit, we are inauthentic. When we give up our authenticity we give up our personal power. When we give up our personal power, we become impotent. Abuse arises from impotence.
Emotional abuse is rampant in so many organizations. Is it any wonder when it is estimated that 96% of families have children who question their worth and value? If we treat one another this way in our families, of course we do the same in the workplace.
Emotional abuse is words or deeds that dis-empower others, harm their spirit, destroy their reputation, infringe on their dignity, compromise their integrity, or pollute the climate of an organization. Abuse is designed to control and subjugate another person through fear, humiliation, and verbal put downs.
An employee said to me, "I don't get paid enough to care." Another said, "I wanted to have cancer so I would not have to go to work." My friend and colleague, Diane Olson, repeated over and over, "I am so relieved that I don't have to go back to that place to work" as she laid on her deathbed, cancer exacerbated, I believe, by constant workplace humiliations (see Pamphlet 40, Farewell My Friend). Coworkers verbally abused an employee who colluded with them from a sad and desperate desire to be accepted. His anger came out in physical attacks on other employees. The 46 year old man wept as he told me about his shame for his behavior. He had no insight as to why he did what he did.
For seven years I worked for the best boss I ever had. His name was Chuck Freeman. I thrived during this time. I felt alive. I received many promotions, led many change efforts, saved the company millions of dollars, and was credited by the CEO with creating a vision and strategy for the corporations future. The newspapers publisher called me a superstar. My discretionary energy went into my work. I was leading a successful industry leading change effort when Chuck died unexpectedly.
I began to report to a vice-president. He was a lazy and incompetent man, docile and subdued in the presence of his superiors and fiercely aggressive (in indirect ways) toward competitors and subordinates who did not conform, were perceived as threats, or who got too much attention. You know this kind of person in your organization. He was enabled for many years by senior managers who lacked the courage to confront his impact on the organization. He was one of them.
He turned on me, seemingly out of the blue. I always suspected that this compliant man, who did little on his own, was given the assignment to get me under control by a new senior vice president threatened by the accomplishments of our change effort. The vice president wanted to be in control. He told me in an outburst of rage that it was his job to "burst your bubble." I asked why he was so angry; he refused to tell me. His words said to me, "I am your enemy." Most of his aggression was passive: questions that conveyed distrust, mixed messages, slights, exclusions, and criticisms that confused me. From what others said to me, I felt that my reputation was being denigrated and my motives questioned. I was told to be a team player (to conform). My career was threatened. New initiatives in our successful change effort were stopped. I no longer felt alive. I went home at night exhausted, humiliated, and confused. I had no discretionary energy.
I dreaded our weekly Monday morning meeting. We had nothing to talk about. The message was that he was there to keep me under control. I slept little on Sunday nights. I began to lose touch with myself and my anger expressed itself in out of character reactions on a few occasions. Those reactions were then used to further denigrate and marginalize me to others.
For the first time in my life I began to suffer significant anxiety. If I continued to resist, I would be forced out of the company. If I complied, I would lose myself completely. I did not submit to restraint. I stood up to this behavior consistently. I spent two years preparing to leave the organization. An attorney and two consultants guided me through my last months with this company as I handled increasingly aggressive (and incompetent) attacks on my character. Finally I negotiated a severance package and left the company. The CEO, oblivious to what happened, said publicly that my leadership had changed the company forever.
The vice president was euphoric when I resigned. He immediately said I didn't have to attend any more meetings even though I gave a three month notice. He was happy because he thought I was his problem. I wasn't. He was his problem and was removed from his job three months after I resigned. He, in turn, was humiliated for several years before he retired and died young from complications of a heart transplant. His panicky words from the past, "I don't want to deal with feelings" echoed through my mind when I heard of his need for a new heart.
I recall the employee who said to me, "I've learned to smile and nod in agreement." Another said, "I only want a good leader to follow." I think of how basic human respect is an issue in every company I have consulted with. I think of the executive who consistently set a manager up to fail until the manager resigned. I recall the scores of people who retired from a large utility company denigrated by brash new executives who thought arrogantly that they knew better. They are all gone now too.
The goal of abusive people, at work or at home, is to gain or maintain power over others and/or to mask their own incompetence. Abusers lack the empathy necessary for healthy relationships. Abusers do not communicate. They invalidate their victims daily via put downs, confusion, crazy making, denial of their behavior, destruction of reputations, and tactics that isolate their victims. They refuse to acknowledge their behavior and feelings, and they deny their victims feedback. Victims become stigmatized: they are crazy, they are stupid, they are emotional, they are ambitious, they are not team players, they can't get along, and on and on. Perhaps the worst damage is not that others believe these things of the victims of abusers but that the victims begin to believe it about themselves.
Abusers are bullies--fearful, envious, and impotent people who are cowards when it comes to honesty and authenticity. Their emotional violence is a symptom of their own sense of powerlessness, insignificance, feeling that they are not important, and homeless in a hostile world.
Many abusers were promoted because they were willing to use force and domination to get people to obey them. They cover their sense of powerlessness with authoritarian behavior towards others. Many are treating others the way they are treated themselves.
I have met few first line supervisors who feel supported by higher management. Those who haven't given up completely try to maintain control, discipline, and productivity through the force of their personalities -- their only tool. Hence my observation that traditional, tough-talking, and threatening supervisors and managers who denigrate "touchy-feely" approaches are actually mostly bullies and talkers who rarely hold anyone accountable (and mostly do not know how to). They are, in reality, less effective and courageous that those "touchy-feely" folks who understand that people must be held accountable in appropriate ways if organizations are to be great. These supervisors learn how to hold people accountable and have the courage to do so.
Those on the receiving end of abusive behavior are not weak people. On the contrary they are often those most capable of authentic relationships who refuse to give in to authoritarian behavior. Over a long period of time they are worn down by constant attacks that they cannot respond to effectively. The healthiest and most talented people leave the organization (or marriage or friendship) with tremendous cost to the enterprise (or family).
How do we begin to change this behavior that so damages the spirits of people and the productivity of organizations? We do not attempt to eliminate anger or aggression. Aggression is part of who we are, necessary for our growth and the expression of our life's purpose.
We each take personal responsibility to stop colluding in the diminishment of ourselves or others. We break out of our utopian pseudoinnocence that makes life simple and easy and that makes virtues of weakness, helplessness, and powerlessness. We see the real harm that is being done, and we see our complicity in it. To paraphrase playwright Arthur Miller, it is always painful and frightening to see our own collusion with evil: the use of political power to harm others for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of one's sick self (Scott Peck).
We get angry at injustice. We assert the power that is rightfully ours. We bear witness for others less able to assert themselves. We support those who do stand up to abuse and give them our aid and encouragement. If we don't stand up to abuse, it may visit us one day.
As leaders we stop looking the other way. We take responsibility for the climate of the organization we are supposed to lead. We confront, coach, and discipline abusers. We make clear that what was acceptable in the past is not acceptable now and will not be acceptable in the future. We hold people accountable.
We create organizations that value, involve, and inform every person. We create organizations where "basic human respect" is a core value for everyone. We create organizations that give everyone the power to be authentic and to feel that they matter. We create organizations where work is meaningful for everyone -- not just a few.
We promote people to leadership positions who care about others, who live their values, who tell the truth, who develop others, who recognize basic human rights, who see the importance of relationships to health and productivity, who have the basic emotional skills of awareness and empathy, and who have a heart and use it. In other words, we promote healthy people to positions of leadership. These people bring forth tremendous bottom-line results for the enterprise.
If we are abusive to others, we take responsibility for our impact on others and for deepening our awareness of how we impact others. We do what is necessary (including getting counseling) to heal ourselves and find some sense of our own significance. Most of all we stop such behavior for no one has the right to control another or to harm the spirit of another. A victim of abuse said to me, "I would like the abusers to stop and think of what it would feel like to be treated as they treat others. I would like them to imagine the pain and anguish they inflict and feel even one-tenth of that for themselves."
Now is the time to make basic human respect for the uniqueness of each person a core value for all. When we reconnect with our hearts and begin living as human beings instead of as machines, abuse will stop.
Articles written by: Tom Heuerman for SelfHelp Magazine
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